Mistakes – They’re Important

Skeletons are ugly; they are old and dusty for a reason.  Amazingly enough, it’s these mistakes that allow us to either Wither or Thrive.  If you didn’t trip up in your step once in a while, you wouldn’t stop to appreciate whatever path you were on.  Those important Forks in the road would fly by and you would almost miss them.  And you don’t want to miss anything in this life; you don’t want to take things for granted.  

This post is probably one of the most difficult for me to post.  It’s a few ideas I had jotted down from about 5 years ago; a time in life where I was not proud of myself, where I was not convinced that I knew what I was doing, where I messed up.  God only knows why I was given another opportunity; that golden gem of a moment to correct my wrongs and make amends.  A chance to use the rest of my life to prove that I could cherish and love the way it’s supposed to be.  At any rate, I hate to remember, but it was so essential in what I consider my own, personal, rude awakening.  

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

….My last post about me being in the Barber shop was a ruse…… It was my feeble attempt to get back into the habit of blogging without making the last 4 months of my life known. I came to a realization today….. That is impossible. The past does not have to define you as a person. Just because I was a grumpy old man yesterday doesn’t mean that I am a grumpy old man today. Its not fair to judge people by their pasts because in most cases there is always the ugly. Those portions of our lives where we were someone we promised never to be. The times when we made decisions we swore never to make. No matter how messed up the past has been for us, we dont have to be that again tomorrow. The dark and stormy cloud lingers over our heads nonetheless in the eyes of those that surround us. The past does not necessarily define who we are today, but it does give an idea about who you should be. The idea is that you have learned from your mistakes and have changed for the better…  As far as for me? This is what I realize now…

I’m a liar. I have deceived those that cared most about me. I have turned my back on principles and values that I held so near and dear to my heart my entire life. I didnt care that people would cry or cringe. I didnt care that people that loved me would suffer and feel betrayed. I am selfish and egotistical. I pretended to be someone that I was not; even though the task of being that person was exhausting and excruciatingly taxing on my psyche. I was reckless and stupid. That simple…
I mentioned a beautiful person that was in my life and had been a part of my life for a long time. We had plans of getting married very soon. Her smile lit up the world for me and I was glad and privileged to be in her company whenever I could. We laughed together but most importantly went through many hardships hand-in-hand. She supported me like no one else in this life had been able to. Not my parents or extended family came close to the pillar that this women was in my life…. I threw that away.
The circumstances are complicated and lengthy. Trust me, I do not say that in order to avoid scrutiny and judgement that is inevitable when you reveal yourself over the INTERWEB. I dont need it. What I mean is that I am not a man looking to be convinced of my wrong doing and malice. Ive accepted that. Im there. Where ever “there” is in reference to guilt and shame…..Ive been here for a long time now. It happened at my job that I posted about sometime in September or August. I was hired and trained with a few people who I was with all day long for about 2 months straight. Needless to say, I grew close to someone and well things went down hill from there. 

What baffles me to this date is how I didnt hesitate…  At the beginning I knew what I was feeling was wrong and not healthy and I fought it; I did. I put it aside day by day and remembered that I was supposed to be a man of integrity. I was supposed to know what being loyal and faithful was. I was supposed to be an example of what was right and have the courage and strength to avoid the wrong. Therein lies my problem. I tried to reason and fight with myself but I was too weak to say “No”. I should not have tried to do it alone. It didnt matter who I went to for help with the dilemma…anyone would have done the job. Instead I kept the struggle internal and no matter how many sessions of introspection I underwent; the outcome was the same. I doubted that I was going to be able to handle this like I should. The feelings grew stronger and I started to give in. I began to slowly lose interest in that wonderful partner of mine and my attention swayed in another direction. I began to ignore the life I had always known and a curiosity was born for the life I had never lived. This new life or person wasnt more beneficial for me than what I had. That is the amazing detail. If I had given up on my old life for a new and improved one then the mystery as to why I did it would be solved. Case closed, dilemma resolved. That is not the case unfortunately. What I did, I did because I am a guy. I made the mistake I made because I didnt think with my head or listen to my heart. I was selfish and didnt see the long list of priorities that were right in front of my eyes. I ignored them even though they remained the only constant at that time and I was reminded of them constantly by the Word and those that loved me. They saw me struggling but I didnt let them in. I shut the world out of my life and only kept this new person around thinking it would be enough and I could go on and never look back. Wrong again…… I hope you are getting the reoccurring theme here friends. I was wrong and I lost everything. That new person was only around for a little while and I was desolate. Alone. Being alone doesnt scare me because even if there are no other organisms, to be literal, around you at any given moment, your humanity, principles, values and beliefs keep you warm. The fact that you give your all to being a good person who looks for God when no one else does fills those voids that can arise when your “alone”. But now imagine my state after realizing that I had betrayed my sense or definition of humanity and decency; that I was not able to stay true to my principles, values and beliefs…….. Now add that I was physically alone. I was in small dark room with only a match stick….. And I wasnt sure of when the match was going to burn out…


Source: Mistake

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3 thoughts on “Mistakes – They’re Important

  1. Dear blogger, thank you for your honesty and for sharing such a personal story. I hope you will be able to move on from your mistake and not compound it by refusing to forgive yourself. May God redeem you and your situation.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your words Ladycee. Therein lies the miracle for me, that I was able to make amends before God and with those that were around me. I just wanted to share my past a bit. I am however joyous at where I’m at now and what God has given me! Happy blogging. Thanks for the read and the follow.

      Liked by 2 people

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